Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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