Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
