i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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