Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
