R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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