Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
two words: eviction party
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
