sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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