Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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