So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
