my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
