drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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