At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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