Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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