an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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