I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
