and she was petting her beer can
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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