Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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