someone threw a dead crab at me
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
