carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
