you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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