i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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