I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
