Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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