I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
