I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
