Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
