ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
