I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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