He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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