i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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