We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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