I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
