A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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