just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
my poor anus
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
