Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
