How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
