so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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