I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
