That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I've blown a few things in my day
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
