Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
