I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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