I wish I only lived at night.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
