by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
