I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
