Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
