woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
