Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
