Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
