It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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