You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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