I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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