shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
