There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize