I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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