My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
