This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
