Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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