it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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