we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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