booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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