I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
