Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
